If you support Manchester United or Arsenal I have two words for you: Calm down! If you’re a Liverpool fan – perhaps because your dad was a glory hunter in the 70’s - that applies to you too, but only up to a point. That’s because I’m referring, of course, to progression in The Champions League. There’s been plenty of bleating and tweeting from the red halves of London and The Second City when it’s clear as day to any neutral that the European silverware is heading to London Bridge. Chelsea are notoriously popular among neutrals and the smug assumptions of victory emanating from Old Trafford and The Fly Emirates make it easy to see why. Four of the quarter finalists are already through but allow me to peer into my crystal ball to plot the path of Chelsea’s inevitable triumph:

Chelsea have an away goal from the first leg so are in firm control. For any women reading, away goals count as two goals and if you have one away goal but the home team have two goals it still means you’re winning because you scored an away goal, which counts for two. It’s very simple. This will be of little consequence anyway as Chelsea will rout Inter 3-0 (Drogba, 3, 74, Lampard (pen) 23).

Every time Barcelona play I think they’re going to get found out and they fluke another win. I don’t think this is coincidence. Barcelona are sponsored by Unicef, or The UN as they’re known for short. Hmm. How many other teams are allowed to be run by a political body? Their games are so obviously rigged. Teams can’t even get the ball off of them! Lionel Messi will probably “score” a hat trick which will just mean that people continue to overrate him.

These two slipped through the net. The French might not have achieved much lately but they’ve certainly done so more recently than Greece so Bordeaux to go through.

There’s too much sponsorship in the modern game. CSKA used to be called Lokamotiv Torpedo Moscow until some bank came along and bought their name. Can you imagine supporting HSBC Fulham, or Blackburn NatWest? For this alone I’m going to say Sevilla will get through.

UEFA always make sure Chelsea get a tough draw but this will serve as a useful audition for Franck Ribery. There are rumours linking him with Real Madrid but they’re now a laughing stock and I strongly doubt anyone will be silly enough to forget that come the summer. Chelsea to breeze through. The Germans haven’t really done anything since they were West Germany. If they want to progress as a nation they should put that wall back up.

Before this game the French government will be warned that it’s in their interest to make Lyon lie down and lose this one. The Lyon players will just lay on the pitch with tears in their eyes as they get steamrollered and think about what could have happened had they been allowed to compete.

Arsenal always get an easy draw and they’ll make a meal of this by drawing the home leg and then narrowly winning in Spain despite Sevilla’s utter lack of pedigree. The most interesting thing about them is that their name is an anagram of Saville. Now then, now then. Utter rubbish.

Man United always get an easy draw and they’ll smash Bordeaux to assert the dominance of The Premier League. Wayne Rooney will score one with his face and another with his arse as they absolutely hump the Frenchmen at Old Trafford. I doubt they’ll even bother with the second leg. Man United aren’t even that good, such is the quality of our league.

There will be blood, thunder, guts, passion. Chelsea will be aware that they can’t humble United too much as they have a responsibility to protect the reputation of the league. In the dying minutes of the second leg with the game heading for extra time, Frank Lampard will swing in a corner, John Terry will leap like a salmon that’s also a lion and head the winner. I can see it so clearly. I’ve even drawn it. I draw Chelsea goals a lot actually.

In complete contrast this will be like a group of mimes taking on a group of dandies in a flouncing competition. The players will wear monocles, powder their faces and wear Victorian wigs – aside from Bacary Sagna, who already has one sewn onto his head. They will twirl around on canes and recite poetry while they have cake breaks. It will make children gay. The UN will prompt Barcelona to remember what they’re there for and they’ll win. Arsene Wenger will cry: “Oh! It’s awful! Just awful! Oh!” and then faint.

This will be Chelsea’s sternest test yet because the authorities will attempt to rig it. Chelsea will score first, second, third, fourth, fifth, but the score will remain at 0-0 as the officials will contrive a way to disallow each goal. Barcelona will receive a penalty late on as the referee will take issue with Pete Cech’s headgear. An explanation of its purpose will earn him a straight red card for back chat. Hilario will be booked for time wasting while taking off his training top in preparation to come on and Barcelona will be allowed to take the penalty in front of an empty net. Zlatan Ibrahimovic will miss it. The referee will allow it to be retaken due to John Terry showing an alleged lack of respect by punching the air when this happens. Messi will score as Hilario dashes on in vain. Behind the scenes undercover agent Jose Mourinho will have foiled the dastardly UN plot to stop Chelsea winning via the medium of Barcelona and destroy the evil mind control device used on the referee. Suddenly the playing field will be level again. Frank Lampard will receive the ball and with the last kick of the game fire a crisp shot that will deflect off of John Terry and Didier Drogba and into the net. Each will be credited with a goal, with the away goals rule making the score 6-1 to Chelsea. Jubilation for Chelsea fans and neutrals everywhere. Justice will finally have been done.

This is genuinely what I think will happen. Too many teams have fluked past The Blues in the past due to this conspiracy and it can´t go on forever. Our time is now! Chelsea, Chelsea!

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