The Champions League is finally back, offering us a glimpse into how football could have been in the future. I for one was hoping that the G4 group would succeed in forming a European breakaway league – as soon as Chelsea were included, natch – separating the wheat from the chaff so that the top league in football would consist entirely of wheat. Like Weetabix but if it was interesting as well as being healthy for everyone involved. I guess Breakaways probably have wheat in them as well so that works too. No more Wigans, no more Scottish teams, no more foreign teams you know from computer games but who never win anything like Deportivo La Corona. Just the best of the best.

Now it seems that The FA want to go in the opposite direction and actually encourage these teams to try and get into the Champions League! If their idea of a play off between the teams from 4^th to 7^th to decide who gets the final spot becomes reality we could end up seeing some relegation fodder fluking their way in to the most important competition in the world! Obviously Chelsea would be safe so I’m not really bothered on that front. There’s no danger of us finishing below second ever again. If history has taught us anything it’s that the only constant is that things stay the same.

The team that currently lie in 7^th are Aston Villa. Villa in The Champions League? They’d get found out immediately. Allow me to sum this up using an acronym: It’s like when you see an average looking guy with an Asian girlfriend. Everyone wants an Asian girlfriend (and they can tell you know). They’re the quintessential accessory for the modern man about town. Once Mr. Average manages to fluke going out with one his own inadequacies become so clear to him that he spends all his time worrying about losing her to a more experienced bed wrestler and forgets to enjoy the benefits. This is why whenever you see these couples in provincial town centres the men have their arms around the girls so protectively they may as well have them in headlocks. Eventually the relationship fails because Mr. Average can’t maintain the standards required to compete at that level and he gets dumped in the group stages. This of course makes it easier for lady killers like me (Chelsea in this equation) to reap the benefits as feeble competition allows me to move in and get the girl (win The Champions League). I just want to make it clear that I’ve never actually killed a lady, though I’ve been tempted I can tell you. Lying whores.

So what then for Villa? They get bombed out of The Champions League at the first hurdle, their form in the league suffers as they’ve been getting regular slaps from proper teams in Europe, they lose confidence, get relegated, fail to ever recover and go out of business within a year. Sayonara Villa. Suddenly loads of Northerners don’t have a team to support. What hope do they have in their lives then? The suicide rate will go through the roof. Can Villa really afford to qualify with the financial and social risks involved? The Champions League is a costly business and a cruel mistress. You have to be able to handle her. If The FA really want to destroy English football one shit club at a time then this is a good way to go about doing it. You never know, before long it might only be the decent teams left and we’ll get the European Weetabix League that all true fans want! Before it comes to that The FA should hold a referendum so that common sense can prevail. Leave the big games to the big boys, eh? Chelsea, Chelsea!

Follow this plonker on Twitter here: www.twitter.com/JimLovetoyTFR