NoBlog Number 17: Jim Lovetoy Looks Down on the Relegation Battle...
7th January 2010
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
There’s almost an inch of snow outside, my underfloor heating took about five minutes longer than usual to warm up and eating stuff out of the fridge seems weird. It’s safe to say it’s cold enough for me to consider myself snowed in. Luckily, thanks to the wonders of technology I can write this from my sofa so you don’t have to miss out. It could always be worse of course, I could be manager of any one of Portsmouth, Burnley, West Ham, Sunderland, Hull, Wigan, Everton, Wolves, Birmingham or Fulham. You know the type. They’re all snowed in too. Snowed in to a relegation battle.
I often wonder why managers even take jobs at clubs like this, if you haven’t got a chance of winning something then what’s the point in even taking part? Why put yourself through it? You are by definition a loser. As the old saying goes: It’s shit at the bottom. The Portsmouth players aren’t even getting paid! It reminds me of when I was producing and presenting and producing TV shows. For those of you who aren’t media savvy we’d have people called “runners” who’d basically do all the leg work when myself or anyone else needed something. I sent one out for dodo eggs once! I’d even make them run on the spot when they were listening to my orders! I don’t want shirkers working for me so they needed to prove their dedication by running everywhere and I only employ attractive women so this had added jiggle bonuses. That must be what it’s like, sending out a group of headless chickens to do basic tasks only to see them fail time and time again.
Sometimes I think they have the right idea in the Scottish league, just having the big teams slug it out with each other about ten times a season. It makes it far more entertaining to watch the better sides and that way the fans of the little clubs get to see some decent football too. The future of football is clearly this: Increase the relegation zone to include 13 teams. Unlucky for most! That way every club would be fighting for their lives and those with true quality would win through. Every club that stayed up would get a European place and the relegation zone could gradually go down to 12, 11 etc until the Premier League consisted of only six teams, the cream of the crop, before the relegation zone shuts forever and we’re treated to a repetition of the best sides going at it. Every Sunday would be Super Sunday! If anyone from the FA is reading (and you should be) you can have this idea for free.
It’s interesting to see that David Beckham has returned to Italy and made an immediate impact. I actually saw the game on ESPN and there he was. I couldn’t believe it. Ronaldinho too! I wondered what had happened to him. It was actually really good, 5-2 even though Italian football is boring, and the key thing is this; I knew who loads of the players were. Were the FA to adopt my plan every Premier League team would be full of superstars like this, because there’d only be six of them, and I think we can all agree that the true winner would be football. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Who are your tips to go down or come up? Have you experienced relegation like the poor sod in that picture? Why does the rule of three insist that you don´t just ask two questions when you´re typing out this bit?
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Dan Anderson
:::2010-01-07 21:49:21
Birmingham in a relegation battle? I´m sorry Mr Lovetoy but relegation has never entered our minds, anything less than 6th place and Alex McLeish should be on his way.
I have suffered relegation twice as a Birmingham supporter, in 05/06 and 07/08. The first time was the worst, however I was on Sky and BBC after the game, I´m not sure they could find a kid crying so they settled for me singing. The second time, in 2008, wasn´t so bad. Everyone expected it and decided to break our own goalposts at the end of the game instead. All in good spirits.
Sampson
:::2010-01-15 00:22:19
Not only has this one missed the joke, but he thinks Birmingham will walk straight into a European place. Brilliant, reminds me of some Hull City fans last season. Now say "Champions League form".
I´m sure Birmingham will sack McLeish soon enough. The owners will have expectations like someone daft enough to argue a point with Jim Lovetoy.
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