NoBlog Number 12 - Jim Lovetoy Previews Englandīs World Cup Opponents...
3rd December 2009
NoBlog
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
Good news for England this week as our boys have been seeded in the top pot for the World Cup draw. This just adds to the hopes that we’re going to win our first major tournament in 44 years. England are every sane person´s bet to win but there are a lot of naysayers out there who are being unpatriotic and don’t give us a chance. I refute this and here are my assessments of the other teams involved in the draw on Friday.
Pot One:
Sarth Efrica
While I enjoyed District 9 I’ve not seen anything else decent come out of Sarth Efrica. The fact that they’re among the top seeds is further evidence that the World Cup shouldn’t be hosted by stupid little countries, I don’t see how getting taught a lesson by teams with better experience can possibly aid development.
Spain
Current European champions, Spain will get found out here as they feature so many Barcelona players and it’s just a matter of time for them.
England
England have to be the favourites. The rest of the world knows that a fully fit England side on paper can rival anyone. Paper and grass.
Brazil
They always do well and they’re likely to get to the latter stages. This is a positive thing for the World Cup in general as they always have hot women supporting them and this is doubly important for those of us in the media that will be going due to the absence of Sweden.
Argentina
England have to be wary of the Argies. They’re managed by the most experienced cheat in the game and if they’ve been petty and stupid enough to go to war with us over something as insignificant as the Isle of Wight then for something as important as football their cheating could reach new heights.
Holland
Robin Van Persie and Arjen Robben are always injured, Ruud Van Nistelrooy is old now, Wesley Sneijder has dropped down a level by going to Serie A. England could take them here.
Italy
Their squad is getting older by the second and they’ll never win it twice in a row, no one can do that.
Germany
Germany are always a threat and should never be written off but their current squad isn’t up to that of previous German sides and they haven’t got a chance.
Pot Two:
Denmark
Exactly the kind of team England will want to draw in the group stage. They’ll provide a decent test that England will ultimately pass and they’ll bring colourful fans who wear horns and dress up as bacon sandwiches.
France
Everybody needs to be wary of the cheating French. Michel Platini is clearly responsible for a conspiracy to see them succeed and don’t be surprised if they resemble a basketball team in their games, if they’re not on strike.
Portugal
If they play Brazil can you trust Deco not to score an own goal? Of course you can, he’s a Blue. I can’t see them winning it and it’ll be interesting to see if Cristiano Ronaldo still cries when Portugal get knocked out of things. I bet he does, he probably bawls at Eurovision.
Greece
I’m tipping Greece to be a surprise package, you might laugh at me, but you’d have laughed at me if I’d picked them to win Euro 2004 and look what happened there. As the old saying goes; Lightning Only Ever Strikes Twice. Coincidentally this is the title of a Bond screenplay I’m working on. Interested parties contact my agent.
Serbia
I didn’t even know this was a country, I thought it was a war. Expect the squad to be torn apart by infighting.
Slovakia
Since the Euro came in these weird little countries are popping up all over the place and it’s hard to keep up with them...
Slovenia
...has one of them entered twice? This is one for FIFA to investigate.
Switzerland
I expect them to fail in the group by getting three 0-0 draws in a show of complete neutrality. Make a decision, Switzerland!
Pot Three
Algeria
What do you call a World Cup winning Algerian? Asif.
Cameroon
Led by the one dimensional Samuel Eto’o’o, they’re one dimensional, as he is. The problem for Cameroon is that if you stop them scoring they won’t win.
Ivory Coast
Not a lot of people know about the Ivory Coast and I’m tipping them as my surprise package. You’d think more people would be aware that they’re a good side considering a certain Didier Drogba plays for them!
Ghana
Here’s hoping Ghana draw Argentina or Spain so Michael Essien can show the world what Messi, Xavi etc are really made of!
Nigeria
Kanu is in their squad. Seriously, Kanu.
Chile
They’re South American so might well be decent. It’s hard to tell what a lot of these teams are like without seeing them.
Paraguay
See above.
Uruguay
I imagine they’ll be cannon fodder, their best player is Diego Forlan and I seem to remember him being a laughing stock at Manchester United. One of the teams who’ll be completely forgotten in the grand scheme of World Cup history.
Pot Four:
Australia
I’d love it if we drew Australia just so we can actually beat them in something and then brag about it. Speaking of which, what was the score last time we met, Sheilas?!
North Korea
The lowest ranked team in the tournament. I have a solution on how to improve their chances though...
South Korea
If South and North Korea were to merge that would free up a place for Ireland. If FIFA want to be seen to be doing something about cheating they should pressure them into doing so.
Japan
They’ll probably only get beyond the group stage in this World Cup but they’re definitely one to watch for the future. Technology advances quickly in Japan and they may well use incredible robot players without anyone knowing.
Honduras
Could well be a surprise package. I know so little about them that anything they do will be a surprise.
Mexico
Mexico always threaten to do well and fail to deliver. However, they have swine flu on their side this time and biological sabotage may give them an advantage.
USA
Before Sir David Beckham went out to America they’d have probably picked up the ball, bounced it and tried to score a touchdown with a baseball bat. Now they actually understand the game. Becks’ brilliance can’t have failed to rub off on them so they’re ones to watch.
New Zealand
I can’t see these flamin’ drongos getting out of the group stages mate. They’ll be throwin’ shrimps on the barbie in no time.
So there we have it, are any of these teams really that much of a threat to England? I reckon not, and I can’t wait to see what sides are lined up for a beating when the draw is made. Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Who’s your tip to win the World Cup? Who do you think might cause an upset? How far can England realistically go?
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dave moran
:::2009-12-03 13:15:12
ramble force hooo hooo hooo , alright boys with xmas quickly approachin us i have a few memories of getting a sports cap as part of my xmas presents , my question to yee is , who is the best player never to get a cap for their country , cheers lads merry xmas
Matt
:::2009-12-03 14:17:12
I´ve always suspected that about Slovenia and Slovakia. Sort it out Warner...
A Riggles
:::2009-12-03 15:16:38
My African mate reckons Cote d´ivoire will do ok - so I asked who the fuck are they.......Ivory Coast apparently.
Noah
:::2009-12-05 15:40:19
Australia
"What was the score the last time we met?"
"The players are familiar with each other though as most of the top Australians play in Britain. The last time the two teams met, in a friendly in London six years ago, the Socceroos upset the English 3-1."
I can taste victory already :)
Pete
:::2009-12-07 12:58:45
Jiminy (Aussie) cricket, Noah.
Zach Forrester
:::2009-12-08 21:40:37
EVERYONE!!!!!!!!! England´s chances will be better with Beckham at right back. Join "David Beckham for right back" on facebook.
RAMBLEFORCE HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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