So Liverpool are supposedly back in the title race after beating Man United at the weekend. Confidence is high despite them losing against Arsenal’s youth team (are their scouts child-snatchers or what?) To this I say: Pfft. Everyone outside of Anfield knows that they’re already way off the pace and don’t have a hope of winning their first ever league title. The reason for this is blindingly obvious: they rely too much on Steven Gerrard and Fernando Torres.

Over reliance on key players is something I know all about. I captain my own five-a-side team, Jim Lovetoy and the All-Stars, and performances have been suffering (“suffering” as in “shit”) because I’m the only player with any natural ability. I’m like a cross between Gerrard and Torres in some ways, if only because I’m like a footballing cocktail: a dash of Ronaldo’s skill, a hint of Makalele in the tackle, all mixed together with a large quantity of John Terry’s passion and Kaka’s flair. I carry the team, as I would any side at this level and I can understand why it seems like the guys don’t want to play alongside me sometimes. It must be embarrassing.

Boys, if you’re reading this, which you obviously are, you need to step it up. I feel it’s my duty as captain and manager to let you know that you’re letting the side down in a manner that won’t be awkward or embarrassing for you. The worst culprit is Fatto, the goalkeeper. He’s a cracking bloke, a right laugh when he’s had a few, which he always has, but somehow he always ends up being tired! In goal! We put him there because he’s massive, firstly so he wouldn’t have to run about and give himself a heart attack and secondly because his gargantuan surface area should make it easier for him to repel shots. Not so. Last week he was so bad I had to put myself in goal! I reminded myself of another Liverpool player, Ian Rush, who started as a keeper but would often wander up field and score goals, hence the term Rush-goalie.

It’s a strain being the only player who’s any good, it forces you to be selfless: let others do the marking, let others make the runs so they have the luxury of the best player (you, or in this case me) arriving late, shoot when someone else is in a better position because they’ll only miss. Gerrard and Torres at least have each other. I have to carry the deadweight all alone. Such was the lack of direction in our last game that I didn’t even score once. A good captain shouldn’t really have to do anything at all, his team should be so well organised that he can get on with his own game without worrying about anybody else’s ideas. I try to enforce this by stepping back and letting the boys get on with it. Every time they let me down. Boys, remember you can look to me for inspiration, it’s what I’m there for. There’s plenty of it there, I know I’m the alpha-male of the group but don’t be intimidated, learn from me. I’m basically Gillette’s target audience, their ideal consumer, a perfect example of modern masculinity. There’s a perfect example of how you can improve right in front of you. If you’re going to succeed with no ability you have to be disciplined and organised. This needs improving, I still haven’t been told when the next game is, they’re normally every week and it’s been ages since the last one! Step it up. Chelsea, Chelsea!