NoBlog Number 6 - Jim Lovetoy Casts a Glance over the Ballon dŽOR Nominations...
22nd October 2009
NoBlog
Media personality Jim Lovetoy writes exclusively for The Football Ramble. “This is no blog, it’s a column. It’s credible. Proper journalism that has an influence...”
This week has brought one of the most important occasions of the football calendar swinging to our attention: The Balloon Dior nominations. Apparently named as such because a football is shaped a bit like a balloon it’s the most meaningful silverware in the game, so much so that it’s gold. It’s not a stuffy, ultimately meaningless award like the Nobel or Booker prizes; it’s more like the Oscars crossed with the Mercury Music Prize but about football instead of films or music. It’s something to do with some French magazine and it’s so prestigious that it means the winner is officially the best player in the world. Despite this there are controversies, for me Michael Essien should be included, as should Florent Malouda who’s shown huge improvement at London Bridge. However we know from The Champions League last season that there’s a European-wide conspiracy going on there so it’s no surprise. Here’s my run down of the nominees and how I rate their chances:
Andrey Arshavin (Arsenal *spits*): Too short.
Karim Benzema (Real Madrid): Highly rated, but highly overrated in my opinion of what I’ve seen on the ITV Champions League highlights show. He joined Madrid from Olympic Lion and being brutally honest they’re a small club, has anyone of genuine quality ever come out of there? This nomination smacks of bias, it’s coming from a French magazine after all!
Iker Casillas (Real Madrid): A good goalkeeper but he’s no Petr Cech.
Cristiano Ronaldo (Real Madrid): Yawn. My work experience girl must already be as bored of typing out “Real Madrid” as I am of dictating it. I’ll make it up to her later, if you know what I mean. (No you bloody won’t...we’ll see about that if you want to get anywhere in this business love. It’s a good job I proofed this too, there’s loads of mistakes. “Balloon” has two Os for one thing. I’m going to highlight my corrections from now on so you learn your place) Sure, he’s a great player, but does he cut it in the big games?
Diego (Juventus): Everybody knows the Italian league is rubbish now so if anything this inclusion shows immaturity.
Didier Drogba (Chelsea, Chelsea!): A giant of a man. Drogba is an example of how strikers should be. He has the strength to always stay on his feet and the temperament and dignity that all men of any kind can learn from. If he doesn’t finish in the top three at least then in the words of the big man himself: “It’s a disgrace!”
Edin Dzeko (Wolfsburg): At first I thought this was a typo from Barbie the work experience girl. Apparently he’s Bosnian, which is another word for Gypsy. They won’t give it to him, he’ll never give it back!
Samuel Eto’o (Internazionale [Correction: Inter MILAN]): Showed a lack of ambition when he opted to sign for Inter over Chelsea. Undeserving.
Cesc Fabregas (Arsenal *spits*, literally!): He doesn’t score that much and if he was really that good Arsenal would have won something recently.
Fernando Torres (Liverpool *spits*): Maybe he could win the women’s version with that hair, if they bother with one!
Diego Forlan (Atletico Madrid): Err, the same Diego Forlan who was rubbish for Man United? This inclusion highlights the strength of the Premier League and Chelsea if nothing more.
Steven Gerrard (Liverpool *spits*): Overrated, and before loads of Scousers send me abuse: Calm down, calm down!
Ryan Giggs (Man United *spits*): Past it, no pace. They might as well have put Gary Neville in.
Yoann Gourcuff (Bordeaux): Are you making these up now Barbie? Bordeaux is a wine for one thing, it might be a girly drink but I know my vino, I’m not stupid. If you weren’t so fit you’d be in trouble.
Thierry Henry (Barcelona): Oh, a Frenchman, what a surprise.
Zlatan Ibrahimovic (Barcelona): The most overrated player since Michel Platini. We now know in retrospect that Platini was overrated since he’s shown himself to be a buffoon and the same will happen to Ibrahimovic.
Andres Iniesta (Barcelona): Apparently he’s only about 24, have you seen how old he looks? He absolutely must be lying about his age and can’t be considered if he won’t have the decency to be honest.
Julio Cesar (Inter MILAN. Wrong again): Brazilian goalkeeper. Enough said. No chance.
Kaka (Real Madrid): Looked good in Italy but would get found out here, like Shevchenko did I’m sad to say.
Frank Lampard (Blue Army! Blue Army!): What more can you say about Frank? If somehow the only people left on earth were he and loads of High Street Honeys then within a generation man would be a much finer species than it is now.
Maicon (Inter MilanI’MSOBOREDOFCORRECTINGTHIS): He sounds like a rapper, or some kind of nut. He’s a defender, how boring would it be if he won?
Lionel Messi (Arselona): We hear so much about Messi but all he really does is create and score lots of goals. Absolutely typical of this overrated team. There’s more to football than that and anyone with a real in depth knowledge of the game can see that Messi isn’t that good.
Luis Fabiano (Seville): Julio Baptista played for Seville and people thought he was good once.
Franck Ribery (Bayern Munich): Minging. Utterly minging. There’s no way he can win because no magazine worth its salt would ever put him on the cover.
Wayne Rooney (Man United *pukes*): See above. If he weren’t a footballer he’d be nicking hub caps and smashing up bus stops for a laugh. That can’t be ignored.
John Terry (Chelsea, England): England and Chelsea’s brave leader is a true English hero. He’s up there with Winston Churchill, James Bond and Andy McNab. Nobody epitomises the English passion that the continental game is missing more than JT. The man snores the national anthem and is quite clearly the second coming of St George. (At this point Barbie said that St George was the patron Saint of loads of places, including Greece! God she’s dense. Have you ever heard of a kebab shop owner called George? If anything this should teach me not to hire people based on their pictures.)
Nemanja Vidic (Man United *falls asleep*): So he’s looked solid before, but he got absolutely roasted by Fernando Torres last season and he looks like a girl. If he can’t play against girls what hope does he have against men? A flash in the pan.
David Villa (Valencia): This one can’t be taken seriously for two reasons: He showed a lack of ambition by staying at Valencia when he could have gone elsewhere and his hair looks like a hedgehog.
Xavi (Farcelona): Sounds like he hangs around a council estate harassing grannies. Not unlike Wayne Rooney then! Doesn’t do enough for me.
Yaya Toure (BarcelonARGH): If Kolo Toure is anything to go on he isn’t that good.
So there we have it. My top three in no particular order have to be, alphabetically, Didier Drogba, Frank Lampard and John Terry. I’ll be surprised if the right man wins as there’s such a ridiculous amount of bias when it comes to picking the winner, but deep down we all know who deserves to get it, and I’m not just talking about Barbie! Chelsea, Chelsea!
Jim Lovetoy
Do you agree with Jim’s tips or is he spouting bunkum? Who’d get your vote for the Ballon d’OR? Answers on a postcard, or preferably below.
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Paul from Petersfield.
:::2009-10-22 14:14:57
Dear Tim,
Just a few quick points. First of all, have you noticed the amount of spanish people in the nominations ? there are loads. their population is 40 mill ours is 60 mill .. thats 20 mill difference yet there are more of them being nominated. Does that sound right ? does it ? no I didnt think so.
Secondly Iker Cassilias.. should not be on the list. He is clearly playing under a false name. Iker sounds like the kind of thing a witch with twitch would mutter under her breath.
Thirdly its Franck Ribery... whats that about then ? huh ? Fran-CK ? who spells like that ?! who ? a retard thats who. shouldnt be alowed.
Fourthly where is Rohnaldinho ? ( I know i mispelt it but its not even his actual name so bugger it) if my latest version of fifa is to go by. He still bloody has it. He is rather good at free kicks too.
Fithly quite alot of those people nominated are crap. just crap. If you dont score at least 20 goals a season how can you be taken seriously as a professional footballer ? ? ? you cant. end of.
Paul.
Jim Lovetoy
:::2009-10-23 11:40:18
David Beckham is a glaring omission too but at the end of the day football is the winner. As long as someone good gets it and not Messi the one trick pony.
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